Curiosity Killed My Eyes

Curiosity, although often hailed as one of the more positive human traits, can be considered an unwise strategy. Particularly when there is a mob of several thousand gilets jaunes goading police in full riot gear bearing a striking resemblance to The Terminator. Well, multiple terminators. Terminators armed with tear gas and flashbols.

Tear gas stings like ten bees resting delicately on your eyeballs just after becoming significantly alarmed.  Think of red hot chilli peppers, the hottest you’ve ever eaten. You know how you like to chop them up and put them in a curry then you forget that you were chopping chillis and you rubbed your eyes before washing your hands? It’s like that.

I knew they’d be firing up. I was in Rennes for the amazing market and I had it in my head that I must get out before 2pm before the gilets jaunes started up. After spending several hours wandering around the market getting my fill, I noted there were a few gilets jaunes milling around the square around 1pm. I thought I’ll just have time to dash into Zara before heading back to the railway station. Aha aha ahahhah hah. Whooo.

“That’s funny, ” I thought to myself wondering why the doors had been pulled across in Zara. The security guard was on the inside. I made to go outside.

“No Madame” and he nodded to the outside. Well it was a sea of haze wasn’t it, with people in yellow high vis vests running on by. Oh goodie. So I waited with everyone else until the haze cleared and we were allowed outside.

I quickly got out of there and found a cafe, my eyes stinging ever so slightly. “Phew,” I said to myself, “that was a close one.” After downing a mulled wine (after all, it was nearly Christmas), I made my way to a nearby shopping centre where I ran into some friends and chatted about the experience. They were heading to another mall and said to meet me there and they’d give me a lift home.

I turned to see a massive throng of gilets jaunes heading up the street. “Interesting!” I thought. “What a fascinating sociological study of human behaviour!” “What an historical moment for this little kiwi!” I thought. “I’ll just duck in here beside the shopping centre and watch from this safe distance” I thought.

Did you know that tear gas canisters can travel a very very long way when fired out of a rocket launcher thingy? Even better, the police were firing them AHEAD of the Gilets Jaunes. Conveniently, right where a group of us curious people were standing. We ran. Fast. I took shelter in the alleyway of the shopping centre, thinking I’ll just run inside. Got to the doorway and of course the grill was shut. No way in.

I turned around to see thick clouds of tear gas at the end of the alleyway. No matter, I’ll just stay in here until it passes. There was an older woman with me panicking and talking on the phone to her husband. I tried to calm her down saying it will be ok, we’ll just wait for the cloud to pass then we’ll go out. This strategy worked for approximately 7 seconds until the tear gas started spreading down the alleyway. More and more canisters fired.

“Ok we’re going to make a run for it.” I said. I noted the right hand side wasn’t as gassy, so I grabbed the woman, still blubbering down the phone to her husband, wrapped my scarf around my face and we ran for it. Straight through clouds and clouds of it. That woman copped so many lungfuls of the stuff each time she cried down the phone. My eyes were burning, I wondered if I actually had eyeballs left or if they’d been melted away.

A gilet jaune handed us each a little saline solution tube to rinse our eyes once we got out of it. They were well-prepared. The woman said to me “I still need to do my shopping, do you think they’ll open the mall soon?”

“No Madame, I don’t. We need to get out of here.” She wouldn’t come and so I left her still talking to her husband.

I finally found a mall entrance with one door open with security guards pulling everyone through. We all rushed out the other side and up some steps. If I can just get to the train station, I’ll text my friends. I ran up the steps to find people running towards me, some with small children crying. I yelled at them “You don’t want to go that way, there’s gas” They yelled back. “There’s gas that way too!” Of course, pointing in the direction I was heading.

I chanced it. I got to the top of the stairs. The road was clear. All I could see were several police cars lined up as a barricade and police troops at the ready in a line across the street. “Good” I thought. I’ll just be able to nip past them and get to the station. It was so close, maybe 150m.

I turned to my left.

There’s something special about seeing an entire main street blocked with a mass of surging yellow. I made some quick calculations. They’re still far enough away. I think. The police haven’t moved. If I run for it….so I ran for it. One lone figure running down the street in boots, a scarf around her head, and shopping bags swinging wildly.

But I made it. I beat them. I could hear the throng getting louder behind me and by now the familiar sound of tear gas being fired as I turned a corner, straight into the entrance of a pub and directly across the road from the train station. One very large glass of red wine later, I text my friends. They had got caught in the gas too. They turned up at the pub and looked at me. “Let’s get out of here. Now.” We jumped in the car and headed back to Saint Malo.

Don’t do it. Don’t be curious. Be boring and keep your sticky beak to yourself.